"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it."

Ok, here's the truth.. I haven't been kissed in a long time. Well, there was this one time over the summer, but it was forced and horrendous and I felt obligated.. and after my obligatory few seconds, I pulled away and ran inside. It's been a while since I've felt something more than the desire to run far far away.

I know it's not a competition, but my ex is all in love and stuff. Has been for a while. Woohoo. No, I'm happy for him. I'm more upset that I can't say the same for myself.. not even close. The only one who has shared my bed in ages is my dog. He's a great cuddler, but he's only 6 lbs, so he's just a little itty bitty spoon. I'm not sure why I'm admitting all of this.. I'm not sure I would admit it if it were the complete opposite. However, this is the Twenty Something Kvetch, and this is a big kvetch. Hi. I'm 25 and single. It's really not abnormal, I'm just over it. I would never date anyone just to avoid being alone, which is good, but makes me awfully picky.

Sara Barielles' new cd is brilliance. Pure brilliance.

K, that's all I've got for now.

"We wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are." - Charles de Montesquieu

It's been so long, I don't even know where to begin! I'm not sure why I abandoned this blog.. it sure wasn't because of lack of time. Anyway, I'm here now, so I better catch you up!

I spent the summer.. wow, what DID I spend the summer doing? I auditioned.. a lot.. and the commute almost destroyed me. I'd say I wasn't seen at at least half of the auditions I attempted.. so waking up at 5 and taking a $30 train ride was quite frustrating. So was the lack of social life on Long Island. So.. I sold my car, paid off my debt, and moved back to the city (to make a bit of a longer story short). And here I am, blogging on a Saturday night. What was that part about not having a social life on Long Island again?

...I'm still adjusting. Please..I'm always adjusting. I am working hard to get a life going here though. I got a serving job (living the dream), I'm auditioning my tush off (still waking up at 5, and auditions have not produced great results as of late), and I'm trying to see friends (why is everyone in NY on a different schedule?)

Sigh. Things will work out. Ya know what? I'm gonna book a show this week. Yep. And I'll update with the good news..well, when it's good news!

Off to memorize this menu.. and get a little hungry:-\

A little bit of this, a little bit of that...

Feeling a little better about my awkwardness.. my awkward quirkiness that, let's hope, can most of the time be seen as part of my charm:) Ya know what, here's the thing- I'm a good person. I really can say that with 100% certainty. I always mean well. I think one of my biggest downfalls is that I always want to make others happy, and will sacrifice my well being for it. No, no.. it's not always a downfall. I appreciate that I have that quality, I just need to learn how to..use it, I guess.

Anyway! ...I am determined to make time for old friends and reconnect with some wonderful people that I never see. The commute into the city isn't so bad.. I got used to it when I went in for rehearsals. Would I want to do it daily? Never. But a couple of times a week isn't bad.. I just wish it wasn't so expensive!

I still haven't finished 20 Something, 20 Everything, even though I started it ages ago. However, I realized I've learned from the small part I have read, and I've put it to use. I may not be post crisis yet, but I'm happy to conquer the issues bit by bit.

I wish I had something specific to blog about tonight! ...Unfortunately, all I can think about is sleep. Very much looking forward to closing my eyes in about 2 minutes or so.

I've been a very busy girl! Since Thursday, I have done 7 performances and a rehearsal. I find myself complaining here and there about the sleepiness, but I really need to keep my mouth shut. I'm so lucky to be spending all this time doing what I love.

Speaking of that, I have NO idea what I'll do once the show closes! Audition, of course.. but I don't have anything lined up, so I'll have to figure out something to do in the meantime for a bit of income. I can't believe how fast this is all going! We'll be done in close to a month, already. Ah, better enjoy it while it lasts.

Now to sleep, because I deserve it :o)

"Wait a bit, she says..."

Oh man, I'm in a funk. I guess even when you're doing what you love, you can still fall into the funks. In all honesty, I feel kind of lonely. I know it's very common, especially in your twenties, to sacrifice your personal life for your career. It's definitely at least partially that.. and partially that I've either pushed away anyone close, or I haven't made time for friends. I can't stop questioning myself and everything around me lately. I thought this was supposed to be a brief hiatus from my quarter-life crisis!

I rarely sing in the car or in the shower, unless I'm warming up, but lately I've been singing on the way home from the theatre. Tonight, the words came out simultaneously with tears, as I sang a song that means a lot to me. An old voice teacher gave me this song about 6 years ago, knowing it described me pretty well then. I was hoping I would grow out of the character in this song, but it looks like not much has changed. This song is called "Wait a Bit" and it's from a musical based on the Just So stories, so the character is a bird...

Why are those things you admire most in others the hardest to find in yourself?
What is it about me that seems to determine I'm destined to life on the shelf?
This wait a bit character waiting to find whatever it is that I lack
Whenever they ask the real me to step forwards, the real me takes a step back

Wait a bit, she says
Can't do it, she says
Wait a bit, she says, not really knowing what she's waiting for
While he's outgoing, why do I withdraw?
Without conviction, and yet somehow sure
the contradiction that will stay in my mind till the day that I find something more

I'm searching for something they say is within me, yet seems to be hidden from sight
But why should I search when it's not in my nature to come out and stand in the light?
For my expectations are not all that great, just one dream I had hoped to fulfill
And yet, when it came to the moment of truth, I proved to myself I must still

wait a bit. Am I just not fit to fly?
When I came to try, I watched the others as they soared and rose
It seemed so effortless, but then, who knows?
Beneath the surface, sometimes torment grows
I plucked up courage, for I knew I should fledge
So I stood on the edge
And I froze

A flightless bird gets by without the flight,
but still I'm hoping that someday I might
He made me feel I could soar
Now only one thing's for sure
I'll have to wait a bit more

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." -Sigmund Freud

I'm not nearly as down in the dumps as I have been for the past few months.. which means that there's a slight chance that this blog will lean back towards witty and less towards ..darkness. I can't promise that will last for too many more months, but I will at least promise to try!

I am working! And not just working.. I'm a working actor! And I'm in a production of my favorite show of all time. I seriously feel so blessed just to be a part of it, to be working so closely with the wonderful cast and creative team. I even went to rehearsals I was not required to attend, just so I could sit and watch and listen. I currently have a job that makes it difficult to sleep at night, only because I am so excited to get up in the morning and go back. It may not be permanent, but how many people can say that? And what IS permanent? ...That's a loaded question, that I definitely do not have the answer to.. except for my thunder thighs. Those seem to be permanent.

The best part about this job? It seems to be a break from my quarter-life crisis. I have no doubt what I want right now. I want to perform. Will those feelings of doubt and confusion come back when this job is over? I'm sure. But knowing how good it feels right now.. how could I not keep trying? I don't have to know for how long. I'm fortunate enough right now that I don't have to put a time frame on it. I'm happy at the moment just going with the flow, going day by day and enjoying myself. I could only hope that mentality lasts after the show closes. Right now, it's important to make the most out of the experience.. to learn from and enjoy the company of the people around me, to be grateful for every smile that comes out of these few months.

And on that note... L'chaim!

"Goodbye my almost lover"

It's crazy what a difference a few years can make. I'm now looking for things in a partner that I never even considered before, because they just weren't important at the time. I'm all of a sudden at a point where I want to be really cautious about who I let into my life, and who I let out of it. Sometimes I have to make choices that don't really feel good at the time, but I believe will be the right choice in the long run. Or maybe I'm over thinking and should go with the flow. I don't know. I just want SOMETHING in my life that feels somewhat solid. I just never feel like I'm enough.. and that's not just with relationships, that goes for everything. I always come close to booking a gig, but I never actually get it. I'm liked.. just sometimes not enough. My grades were always good, but not great. I'm not hideous, but I'm not gorgeous. My weight has been a constant struggle my whole life, and I've never been satisfied with it. Do people not find me good enough (booking a job, dating, friendships, etc.) because I don't find myself good enough? Stupid self esteem.

Speaking of ALMOST, which seems to be the theme of the week.. this song has given me chills every single listen (which, not gonna lie, has been a lot the past few days):

"Almost Lover" - A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

"If they asked me, I could write a book..."

Back to the wonderfully horrible life of the unemployed. Heavy sigh.

My life is a giant game of limbo.. and the limbo pole keeps getting lower and lower..

I just wish I had the answers.. or that someone else did and was willing to inform me.

Not sure what this quote is from, but I love it right now..

"I was stuck. I was in this place, in between my future and my past and I wasn't sure which one I wanted more. But I guess it was only natural, you know? To dream of a summer love from long ago or nights you spent with your friends you used to know. These people had long since gone and part of you wanted them back and God, you hated to admit it. That was the funny part — like admitting you missed people or things or times long ago made you weak or something, but it didn't. And sometimes, I would curl up by my window and stare off into the stars, dreaming of my future; the love and friends I had yet to come. Part of me just wanted to throw myself into the future and the other part wanted me to hurl myself into my past."

and this one is clearly perfect...

"Sure, it sucked to be lost, but I'd long ago realized I preferred it to depending on anyone else to get me where I needed to go. That was the thing about being alone, in theory or in principle. Whatever happened-- good, bad, or anywhere in between-it was always, if nothing else, all your own." -Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. - He's Just Not That Into You

"I'm trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that's not easy to do." -Marilyn Monroe

Moving forward. We hear so much about how we should, how we need to, how it will help. Sometimes moving forward is the hardest thing to do. We can convince ourselves we have. We can convince ourselves that we don't dwell on the past, that we don't think about that person or that event or that feeling, but in most cases, we do. We have a dream about it, or we see something that reminds us, which is almost inevitable. So does moving forward really mean coming to terms with a situation or a feeling? This is the way it is, this is the way it is going to be, and now I can take my next step.
We all make mistakes. I know I try so hard to avoid upsetting people, but it happens, and it always will. I've made a lot of mistakes, and most of them were based on fear. A fear of being hurt can cause more grief than you would have had without the fear. I've lost a lot of friendships in my life because of my fears. I've been fortunate enough to meet some amazing people, and have some amazing experiences. Unfortunately, I never took full advantage. I don't want to constantly stop myself from being happy, even if that happiness may eventually turn into hurt.
Clearly, I love quotes, but one of my favorite quotes of all time is from the Sondheim musical "Company" - "Don't be afraid that it won't be perfect. The only thing to be afraid of, really, is that it won't be."
Now if I could just follow my own advice.

"Our twenties are like a Neverland between childhood and adulthood." -Christine Hassler

Clearly it's been way too long since I've updated. Surprisingly enough, I've been very busy. I got a full time job, and I just closed another show. And this all sounds way better than it actually is, of course.

My job is very difficult and takes a lot out of me, to say the least. I also get paid very close to minimum wage, which means the chances of me moving out anytime soon are pretty close to 0%. However, it's something, and it makes me feel somewhat worthwhile, and I can afford the drinks I need after a week there.

I just closed a run of Annie last weekend. Like any one month run of Annie, you're not incredibly sad to stop hearing those same songs over and over again, but I must say, I am pretty sad that it's over. Not only does being in a show give me a creative outlet, but it also gives me a group of people to socialize with. I'll see most of them again, but like most community theatre casts, we all have a bunch of other things on our plates. Still, I'm going to audition for the next show there. I need it right now. The theatre is still one of the only places I feel at home.

My workplace is actually closed today (we only have off for the 10? federal holidays), and of course as much as I deserve a day of nothingness, I feel the need to be productive. I went to the bookstore, hoping to find something to keep my mind busy, and ended up in the self improvement section. Clearly I ended up there for a reason.. and I found it. I couldn't not bring it home. It practically said "to the writer of the Twenty Something Kvetch" on the cover. It's called "20 Something, 20 Everything: A Quarter-Life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction" by Christine Hassler. Bullshit? Maybe. But I can't afford not to try. I'm only on page 21, but I was so inspired already that I had to come back to my blog. What I've gotten so far is the drastic difference between a man and a woman's quarter-life crisis. Hassler brings up valid points about the expectations of women, and how we're really the first generation to experience the crisis in this way. She promises to help answer 3 questions, which she refers to as the twenties triangle- Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want? Let's hope she fulfills this promise, because I don't even have somewhat of an answer for any of those questions.

My promise is to update this blog with the verdict. So off to read I go...